Let’s get physical! (Let’s not.)

School is on at the moment and watching it has made me think about how totally shit at sports I always have been and always will be.

As a kid, I was always picked second to last (just before the fat kid) as I have basically no coordination and no desire to run unless it’s away from a rapist or toward a bus. Although the last one’s unlikely to be honest.

There’ll probably be another one soon. And I can have a fag while I wait. Double health bonus.

I turn into a red-faced, awkward and totally inept pile of useless junk if ever faced with something active where an element of competition is involved. It makes me feel like an inferior human being and long for the safety of my chessboard, where I can once again feel superior. I might not be able to catch a ball (or anything else you may wish to throw at me: a Frisbee, a child, a small poo… use your imagination) but at least I can spell.

Because I’m not overweight, some people seem to think I therefore must be ‘sporty’. Couldn’t be further from the truth. From bowling to basketball to skiing; it all makes me feel equally as nauseous and equally as repulsed. Not that I’ve ever tried skiing, but I can pretty much vouch for it turning out the same as all of my other encounters with any kind of sporting activity.

Sports I have tried and failed at, include:

• Football
• Basketball
• Hockey
• Pool
• Ping pong (urgh, that one brings back particularly horrible memories)
• Bowling
• Skating
• Running
• Jogging

The list is pretty much endless. Think of a sport and I can guarantee I cannot do it. The only exercises I can do is walking (just, but not in heels or if I’m drunk, which is the case more frequently than one might expect).

As an teen I’ve often thought that perhaps school PE lessons put me off sport and that maybe I’m not actually that bad at it at all, I just think I am.

And it is true that I did have a sadistic bitch from hell as a PE teacher.

Actually, the students fancied him a bit I think. He was dark and young and that probably made up for his facial hair and the fact that he was pure EVIL.

Like I said, evil bitch.

Anyway, long-winded, bitter diatribe aside, turns out I was incorrect. I am still junk at sports.

Thing is though, I don’t actually give a damn anymore. I’ve come to accept what I am – crap at sports and happy with it.

So, on that note… I can’t think of a good way to finish this post.

BYE.